When you build healthy social skills it will help you communicate more effectively with others who are not out to cause you harm. To build social skills you need to learn how to pick out positive thinking people from negative thinking people. If you socialize with a group of negative thinkers it will only set you back.
Keep in mind that some people may be struggling to overcome problems themselves and may think negatively at times but it doesn’t mean they are not positive thinkers.
How to spot negative thinkers
People who are determined to dwell on the past tend to think negatively. People who excessively use alcohol or drugs are prone to negative thinking. People who fail to take care of themselves mentally, emotionally or physically tend to dwell on negative thinking.
Write out what qualities you like about people. Note specific qualities that are most appealing to you, such as being kind, gentle, loving, etc.
Once you narrow down the qualities you like most, start searching out people who have these qualities. Most people with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) have some distorted thinking about how they view people. To resolve this problem, when you meet new people try not to judge them or pick put their faults. Instead, try to notice any good qualities about the person and find some compatible traits. For example, try to notice someone who is similar to you in temperament or personality.
Making new friends involves finding people who share the same or similar interests or beliefs. This is how we naturally match with friends and fit in with a group.
When you make new friends, take care to respect their human rights and dignity. Don’t try to force yourself on the person; rather, take your time to get to know them. We all have human rights that you must respect and these are the rights to privacy, dignity, respect, etc. If you violate those rights you will likely lose more friends. Your goal is to find new friends and maintain a healthy relationship.
To avoid unstable relationships
Until you are well enough to start up an intimate relationship we highly recommend that you avoid them for now. Until you are well enough to maintain a relationship, most of them will become unstable.
Now that you have an overview of building social skills we can do the three step technique to help you learn more about yourself. When you know who you are life gets easier and new friends will come into your world.
The three step procedure is a healthy technique that is used to help people identify who they are.
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Three steps to evaluate self |
| Who am I – that is, what makes you unique and what do you have in common with others? |
| Where do I fit in? In order words, consider the group of people that you know and think about what makes them special to you. |
| How well am I functioning? Consider the various roles from your daily activities, weekly activities, monthly activates, etc and conduct a personal evaluation of them. |
Now you can share and process your experiences to get more out of the three steps to evaluate yourself.
Overcoming resistance to change
Once you meet new friends you should take some time to overcome your resistance to change. You must confront your irrational beliefs and self-defeating behaviors. The overcoming of resistance to change will help prepare for maintaining healthy relationships. These procedures involve taking risks or taking responsibility for your change and it involves seven steps that break down the most common fears:
- Fear of discomfort – some people believe that change is too hard, and that it is easier to go with the flow by ignoring the problems hoping they will go away rather than making efforts to change.
- Fear of disclosure and disgrace – believing that present actions, thoughts and emotions are unacceptable and it would be disastrous if anyone else knew.
- Feelings of powerlessness and hopelessness – Hopelessness and powerlessness often lead directly to the person believing that he or she is powerless to make changes or change their situation. They often believe that their problems, no matter how big or small they may be, are too big for them to overcome.
- Fear of change – people who fear change often believe that their safety and security develop from self-defeating behaviors and thinking is less risky than change itself.
- Fear of failure of disapproval – it is not uncommon for people to fear failure and disapproval. They feel that they must always succeed, otherwise they fear that their symptoms may lead to risk of failure and disapproval.
- Self-punishment – self-punishment is a symptom that leads the person to believe that he or she is bad and that whatever happens to them they deserve it and deserve to suffer.
- Discouragement – they get discouraged often because of their belief that their disturbances cannot be conquered.
Note: These symptoms are commonly noted in depression, anxiety attacks, panic attacks, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and various other mental disorders. In some instances, so-called normal people experience these fears, especially if something recently traumatic occurred.
To help you overcome these problems we can consider the Rational-Emotive Imagery (REI) techniques.
Our goal is to use REI therapy to help you think more rationally and to become less emotionally upset. There are three parts to this therapy program including negative imagery, positive imagery and perspectives on life experiences. We recommend that you start and finish all the procedures.
Part 1: Negative Imagery Therapy
Try to explore your mind and visualize something that was unpleasant for you in the past. Try to get as much detail as you can. Try to think of something negative that has happened to you and that you believe will happen again. |
As you start to feel emotions emerge from the memory, you may feel discomfort. Do not fight your discomfort; rather, allow your discomfort in. For example, if you feel angry, sad, depressed, ashamed, etc don’t fight it; let it go. This is called an emotional consequence and it is a valuable learning tool and can help you to get well. |
Connect with the disturbing feeling completely for a few minutes. Rather than avoid your discomfort, confront it, challenge it and feel it. |
After you have allowed the disturbing emotions in for a while, push them away by working from the gut. You may feel a little irritated or disappointment, which is your goal. You may also feel regret, anxious, annoyed, depressed, anger or guilty. Let it go. Negative thoughts may develop which drive you to say “I cannot do this”. You can identify your gut feelings by connecting with them and forcing yourself to change your gut feelings to allow and welcome in difficult thoughts or feelings. |
Once you push yourself to feel slightly disappointed or depressed, look back in your mind to see what results came from your experience. Notice the new feelings, thoughts, etc as they emerge. Show some appreciation for your progress. |
Once you look back you will see that in some small or big way you have changed one of your belief systems, such as the fear of discouragement, etc. Once you begin to see this is true you will recognize that you have the power to change your emotional consequences.
When you notice that you feel slightly disappointed, you will see that you change your emotional consequences from depression, anger, anxious, etc. |
Clearly look back to see what changes you have made. Become thoroughly aware of your new beliefs, that develop into new emotional consequences. |
Practice this procedure 10 minutes each day for the next week or for as long as it takes you to change your emotional consequences and belief system. Gradually, you will not become emotional upset or displeased with yourself. |
Part 2- Positive Imagery Therapy
| To encourage both imagery and thinking skills, try to vividly picture some time in your past that made you feel upset. Think of some unpleasant experience. Try to draw up detailed thoughts and images of something that happened to you that caused you to be upset or that you feel will happen to you in the future. |
Try to picture your experience or future projection by thinking of the worst thing that can happen to you. Allow any discomforts such as anger, depression, guilt, denial, anxiety, panic etc, room to come in. Do not fight the discomfort. These are emotional consequences. If you fight them you will repress or suppress your emotions again and your problems will increase. |
Notice your emotional consequences and how they factor into your belief systems. For example, the fear that change in itself is more difficult to accept than putting forth the effort to make changes. When you start to see your beliefs, began to change them by disputing what you believe. |
Once you start to see your irrational beliefs, such as the 7 beliefs of fear we listed above, dispute those beliefs and strongly visualize how you would feel or behave once you have given up your irrational beliefs. Visualize what you think will happen to you a) if you maintained your irrational beliefs b) and when you change your irrational beliefs to rational beliefs. |
Now, intensely imagine yourself feeling disappointment and disbelieving and believing your rational notions in regards to it’s the worst things that could happen. Now imagine yourself feeling appropriately disappointed or displeased, instead of feeling inappropriately disappointed or displeased over your feelings of anger or depression. Finally, visualize yourself acting concerned rather than emotionally upset. That reaction is much more in proportion to the event. |
Continue practicing part 2 of this procedure until you begin to see changes in your belief system and emotional consequences and finally see your experience as merely a misfortune or disadvantage. |
Next, cause yourself to feel depressed, angry, anxious, etc to create your belief system in your mind that causes you emotional upset. Look into your mind to find irrational beliefs that caused your disturbance. Work toward disputing and changing these negative and irrational beliefs. Then work toward showing concern about your disappointments and disbeliefs rather than depressed or hostile toward your feelings. |
Part 3 – perspectives on life experiences
It is important that you consistently focus on what you have experienced in your lifetime rather than what you think will happen to you. Rather than focusing on strengthening your defenses that are already strong, work through your current defenses. Deal only with your life experiences.
Summary
In this article we focused on helping you build stable relationships by teaching you how to build social skills through CBT. We discussed ways to spot negative thinkers and how to avoid unstable relationships.
Using the three step procedure we helped you to evaluate yourself to overcome resistance to change. We used REI techniques to help you combat your irrational thinking and fight your fears. Now it is time to build your critical thinking skills for a more effective Borderline Personality Disorder therapy.
You have read an article about Agoraphobia. To learn more and to start an online therapy, please visit:
Borderline Online Therapy |
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