Category Archives: Relationships

Fostering Fidelity in Marriage

I, ____, take you, ____, to be my lawfully wedded(husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

For better, for worse; in sickness and sadness; in sun and shower of life… Each and every wedded couple takes these promises in some or the other form. Promise to hold each other’s hands beyond eternity, promise to be together no matter what… Marriage is a special bond that unites two people in a strong, ever-lasting bond. But, what happens that marriages do not last for a lifetime? Why do couples stop trusting themselves and seek pleasure outside marriage? Where does the fidelity quotient fade off? Well, if you are also thinking about these questions or are going through a similar phase then this blog is meant for you.

Trust and fidelity are the pillars of an unbreakable marriage. If you and your spouse are trustworthy, then your marital relationship blooms like anything. Once trust and fidelity fits in a marital relationship, then all other forms of marital companionship like love, affection, care, protection, respect and understanding… Everything falls into the perfect picture automatically. Therefore, trust and fidelity have magical effects to make your marriage shine and smile.

However, there are a lot of instances around us in which we see married couples falling apart due to infidelity and breach of trust. This not only affects the married partners but also negatively influences their family, significant others and people related to them either directly or negatively. So, what hampers or affects fidelity in marriage? Let us look at some of the important causes:

Causes of Infidelity in Marriage

  • Lack of mutual trust, mutual understanding and mutual respect
  • Extramarital Affairs
  • Inability to cope with mutual differences in opinion, thoughts, mind-sets and personalities
  • Lack of spending quality time with each other
  • Inability to perform one’s own marital roles and responsibilities
  • Breaking of expectations couples have attached to one another
  • Over-protective nature and over-possessive nature that leaves no space for the spouse to live life with freedom.
  • Conflicts and misunderstandings
  • Effects of stress, tensions and day to day hazels
  • Third-person influence

Like I said earlier, infidelity and breach of trust in a marital relationship leads to unfathomable pain and disturbance in the lives of the married couple and people related to him. This also leads to many physical and psychological imbalances in the form of:

  • Restlessness and physical discomfort
  • Changes in diet and sleep patterns
  • Lack of personal care and hygiene
  • Stress and tension
  • Worries, apprehension and anxiety
  • Depression
  • Social withdrawal or isolation
  • Can lead to drug or alcohol abuse
  • Obsessive thinking and concerned behaviors
  • Suicidal thoughts

That was just a brief overview of what infidelity can do to you, your spouse or your marriage as a whole. It affects all the dimensions of life in a negative way. Therefore, it is very important to foster fidelity in your marital relationship. Here are some of the important ways of doing so:

Ways of Fostering Fidelity in Marriage

  • Mutual understanding: The more you understand your spouse; you will be able to nurture loyalty in your marriage in a better way. Majority of marriages break due to lack of understanding between couples. So, don’t let that happen in your life too. Mutual understanding is the basic and the most significant aspect of making a marriage bloom with trust and fidelity.
  • Mutual Sharing: If you want to share your emotions, expectations, thoughts and viewpoints with your partner… Then please do it! Do not hide your emotions and expect your partner to understand your part of the world. Mutual sharing bridges the gap between both your hearts and minds. Moreover, it is the direct key to enkindle loyalty in your marital relationship.
  • Mutual Respect: No one is perfect folks! In fact, we all strive and thrive towards perfection. Just as you have your own weaknesses and strengths, your spouse would be having the same too. Therefore, respecting each other’s differences is yet another way of working towards increasing fidelity quotient in your marriage.
  • Be a friend first and then a spouse: If you are someone who likes to dominate or be bossy towards your spouse, then it may hamper your marital relationship and will push your beloved away from you. Try to be your partner’s best friend first and then the whole spirit of spouse-hood will flow in automatically. Each one of us needs someone with whom we can feel most comfortable, protected and accepted; rather than being judged and humiliated!
  • Spend “quality” time together: No matter how much time you spend with your better-half, try to spend it meaningfully. In this fast-paced world we hardly find time for our spouse. Sometimes, we also take them for granted. But, this is not fair folks! The one who is married to you needs your quality time too. Even if you have 10 minutes together, spend it meaningfully with love, care, trust, enthusiasm and mutual understanding.
  • Rejoice and rejuvenate: When certain time lapses in a marriage, it tends to get mundane for some couples. This is the biggest reason for infidelity in marriages. Instead of seeking that spark and pleasure outside, try to create the same magic within your marriage. Spend time together, go for a holiday together, send surprise gifts… In short, rejoice and rejuvenate your own marital relationship so that there would be no space for any other third-person’s entry.
  • Do not cheat: If you are falling for someone else outside of your marriage, and if you are getting the feeling that your marriage is not working out, then it is best to share with someone you trust and take professional help of counselor/psychologist too.

Marriage is a pure bond between you and your beloved spouse. Life will always be challenging in a marital relationship. So, marriage is all about stepping on the challenges by holding each other’s hands and crossing over every difficulty with trust, hope, love and belongingness.

With this, I would like to share some wonderful and inspiring lines by Robert Sexton. Starting from being in love with your spouse to nurturing your marital life with trust, hope, positivity, loyalty and understanding… These lines will really motivate you to make your marriage an ideal and a blissful one:

“There is no moment of my life when you are not a part of me; you hold my heart; you guard my soul; you guide my dreams so tenderly. And if my will might be done, and all I long for could come true, with perfect joy I would choose to share eternity with you.” – Robert Sexton

Lots of love dust on you and your spouse!

Surviving a Broken Marriage: An Inspiring Life Episode

Wedding cards beautifully decorated and sent to relatives, mouth-watering cuisines served, mesmerizingly adorned with her wedding attire and ornaments… Dr J got married with her husband amid traditional hymns, pomp and ceremony. The wedding gala was not less than a dream. Her parents left no stoned unturned to make her wedlock a magical and perfect one.

However, life sometimes takes unknown turns and we are not always on the charge of the anchor to change its course. Dr J’s marital life turned into a worst life event and nightmare once she stepped into her in-laws place. Physical abuse and mental torture became the call of the day. Starting from marital rape to domestic violence… She had to bear the brunt of everything that a girl would never have thought in her most terrible visions.

Glimpse of Dr J’s Life before Marriage
She was beautiful like an angel, she was the most intelligent and well-behaved girl among the siblings. Her sincerity, dedication and goodwill were her hallmarks. She was very studious and was always in the good books of her teachers. She was talented in extra-curricular activities too. She sung songs like a nightingale. Her mesmerizing songs and melodious voice had the power to take her listeners to a whole new world altogether! She was the only girl child in her family and had an elder brother too. Therefore, she was the most pampered one. Dr J was very kind, understanding and helped her peers in every way she could.

Dr J excelled in her studies. She wanted to help the ailing. That is why she pursued her higher studies in Homeopathy. She became a Homeopathy Doctor and today she is helping people through her goodness and knowledge in one of the leading hospitals.

In short, Dr J’s life prior to her marriage was a gifted one with happiness, health, goodwill, and everything one would ever wish for.

Lull before the Storm
Dr J’s parents and family ensured that the wedding and the rituals take place in a smooth and sound manner. They left no stone unturned to make the arrangements, make jeweleries for her, and give expensive appliances, vehicle and everything that her in-laws demanded. The home environment was bubbling with happiness and charms, smiles and hopes. But, this was just like a lull before the storm. The worst was yet to come and slice their souls apart.

The overwhelming life episodes
Life after marriage for Dr J was a hellish experience. Day in and day out she had to suffer verbal and emotional abuse by her in-laws. At first, she could not infer all these. She thought may be it was a natural behavioral style of in-laws. But, day by day things worsened. One day her in-laws took her to her parent’s house and returned all the gold ornaments that her parents had given her. They demanded for more gold and said they would accept Dr J back only if they give more gold and other stuff. Since her parents had no way out, they adhered to what her in-laws said. She underwent through marital rape numerous times. Then, there was a phase when her husband did not return back home for nights altogether. When she asked her mother-in-law, she said that he has a night shift in work. Finally, the worst happened one day. It was a festival in their house and amid all guests; a lady arrived with two small girls. When Dr J asked about her, she said she was the first wife of Dr J’s husband and the two girls were their daughters.

The Quest
Dr J’s life changed for a lifetime after she knew this. First her life came to a halt as she had no idea how to move ahead in life. Then, she thought to stand up for herself and fight back. She slammed a case on her husband and he was caught red-handed from his first wife’s home. His first wife was a prostitute and he married Dr J only because of money and ulterior motives. Then Dr J filed a divorce against him. He never came to the court sessions. But, after Dr J’s strong reaction finally he had to bow down. The divorce case is yet to settle down now. But, the best decision that Dr J took was to walk out and put an end to the horrendous marriage.

Battle thereafter…
She lost her virginity, she lost her money and materials… The society stigmatized her and relatives went away… From personal loss to social loss, Dr J suffered in every dimension of her life due to the marriage. But, she did not give up. She decided to live life to its fullest as she had not done anything wrong.

Some motivating ideals she has in her life are:

  • We cannot change the past, but we have the potential to work in the present and beautify our future.
  • Life is for once; if today there is pain… Tomorrow there will be happiness too. So live on, and do not give up.

Dr J aspires to be a skilled Doctor one day and help the ailing in every way she can. She wants to adopt a girl child so that she can groom the girl into a strong, independent and responsible citizen and human being altogether. So, what are the guiding factors that help one to survive a broken marriage? Here are some key points:

  • Strong determination and will-power
  • Courage
  • Acceptance of reality
  • Working towards self-acceptance and self-development
  • Looking into one’s strong points and working on them
  • Looking into the future with hope rather than lack of faith
  • Positive thinking and self-affirmations
  • Unclenching desire to move forward no matter how the situations are or how the society reacts
  • The strong urge to live life like a legendary warrior and fight against all odds
  • The urge to live life… No matter what.

After all it is your life, and no one has the right to take it away from you. It is your life and you are the best person who can do every justice to it!!! So folks, its time to stand up, believe in you, shed the shackles of pain and take charge!!!

Reasons that Lead to Broken Marriages

Broken MarriagesTwo words. Three vowels. Four consonants. Seven letters. It can either cut you open to the core and leave you in ungodly pain or it can free your soul and lift a tremendous weight off you shoulders. The phrase is: It’s over.” – Maggi Richard

“Marriages are made in Heaven” I think almost everyone of you must have heard these lines at some or the other point of your lives, right? I had also heard this. But, with the flow of time and experiences as a therapist my perspective on it changed. Every marriage does not culminate in being an ever-lasting, heavenly, beautiful affair. Sometimes the strands of the marital relationship just break off for reasons known and at times, unknown. I have seen a lot of couples struggling to save their marriage. Some tend to be successful in it, while others just fall apart. When this happens its aftermath exerts great maladies in the form of psychological imbalance, societal stereotypes, and physical discomfort and so on. The list is endless and the pain associated with it too. So what forces someone to break the marriage vows and move out?

Let us look into some of the common reasons that lead to broken marriages:

  • Lack of mutual understanding, support and trust
  • Lack of compatibility
  • Lack of mutual cooperation
  • Lack of commitment and sense of responsibility
  • Lack of communication and time
  • Ego clashes
  • Infidelity or breach of trust
  • Marital expectations, abuse, marital rape and other such negative situations
  • Inability to effectively cope with the stressors and pressures of marriage
  • Third-person involvement and chaos/confusions/doubts related to it
  • Continuous misbehavior with each other
  • Marital crisis, physiological factors
  • Inability to hold each other’s hands in disease or times of need

Whatever the reason of breaking the bond of marriage, it leads to a lot of physical, psychological, social, professional, familial and situational turmoil. For some life just ceases and becomes gruesome. For some others it’s like getting freedom from an over-burdening relationship. Broken marriages have their own significance and implication depending on the reason for which it broke and the couple related to it.

Negative effects of broken marriage

Let me tell you some of the repercussions of broken marriages:

  • Stress, anxiety and depression
  • Familial pressures and stressors
  • Stereotypical behavior of the society
  • Stigma and discrimination in some case
  • Changes in sleep and diet patterns, lifestyle changes
  • Negative effects on other family members especially if there are small children or teenagers
  • Financial crises, and so on

The reasons and repercussions are obviously known to the ones who decide to split. For them their marriage is never like a fairy tale. It ends up becoming a scar that they would remember for the rest of their lives. Sometimes when situations become too overwhelming to bear it becomes very necessary to move out of it. This can be a survival phase for some. Therefore, none of us should despise the ones who have faced broken marriages in their lives as they would be having their own painful stories to tell.

Life does not end if a marriage ends. You still have miles to go and milestones to achieve in case your marriage breaks. If one relationship fell apart, it does not mean that every relationship is like that. I have seen a lot of men and women effectively cope with their lives even after going through the phase of broken marriage. If you want to know some of the success stories of people who survived broken marriages and who are leading a fulfilling life today, then check out my next blog folks!

When things break, it’s not the actual breaking that prevents them from getting back together again. It’s because a little piece gets lost — the two remaining ends couldn’t fit together even if they wanted to, the whole shape has changed.” – David Levithan, Will Grayson

Best wishes,

Sareeta

Obstacles to a Healthy Relationship

Healthy Relationship

Hi folks!

Whether you are into a committed relationship or you have already taken your wedding vows; whether you are a family member or a dwelling in a society filled with kith and kins…life is woven with many relationships throughout. It is something that you simply cannot avoid. But, along with the people and relationships different mindsets, experiences, different viewpoints, personalities and different thoughts-behaviors are also attached. So when a given relationship comprises of such a huge fabric of different aspects, it is bound to become stressed and stringent.

Maintaining a healthy, ideal and meaningful relationship with everyone is almost like an art. It takes a lot of empathetic understanding to make relationships bloom. Otherwise, it has to face a lot of obstacles. Do you know some of the most common obstacles to a healthy relationship? They are very common obstacles but many times they go amiss. Rarely they are identified and dealt with in our day-to-day living. The common yet big obstacles to a healthy relationship are:

1) “The Ego Clash”

This is one of the most significant challenges or obstacles in a healthy relationship. You can take this as the biggest hurdle that does not let people come close to each other or connect emotionally with each other. If you hold your ego at a higher plane than any relationship, then this is going to cause problems in your relationship. Similarly, if two persons with puffed up egos stand against each other, it is next to impossible to make that relationship function healthily. Both the person’s ego would clash like anything, there would be no room left for a peaceful negotiation. It will be always like “I will win and you will have to lose at any cost”. This same sentence would be running in the other person’s mind too.

In other words, unless and until you keep your egos issues aside and try to make peace with your relationship, it will pose as the biggest threat to that relationship. It would be very difficult to bridge the ego-gap and the emotional-connection gap.

Hence, in any kind of relationship each one should be treated as equal and equally important. A relationship is not a race of winning and losing by virtue of one’s ego. It is a mutual bond of love, affection, mutual respect and mutual trust.

2) Communication Errors

I have seen communication problems in many relationships. This is in fact, very common. If someone has a problem with his/her family member then instead of talking and clearing the issue with that member he/she goes and spreads out before others. This is a major blow to the “trust and ethical aspect” of a given relationship. This is a major blunder in communication almost everyone does.

If you have problem with someone, then in spite of sharing it with anybody else, try to talk and fix things with that person first. If everything else fails then you can take the help of others. Communication errors or lack of effective communication sometimes leads to irreparable damage to a relationship.

Therefore, if you have a problem with anyone, try to talk to him/her first. Try to resolve things between the two of you. Then, if nothing works out you can take the help/intervention of someone else. This will keep the trust in the relationship intact.

3) Undefined/Unethical Expectations

If I expect my husband to help me with my chores, I should also help him in his other activities. If I expect my sister to respect me, then I should respect her first. This is how it should go. But, sometimes situations and behaviors go other way round. And this makes a relationship run into trouble. Sometimes some people hold so high expectations that it becomes very difficult for the other person to fulfill that expectation.

A relationship is a two-way process. If you expect something from someone, you should be able to do that thing or other things for him/her too. However, if you would keep on having unethical or undefined expectations then the relationship would become hellish. Being human beings having expectations is pretty normal. What is important is up to how much extent you are yourself fulfilling expectations, or up to what extent you understand the other person too.

4) Unresolved Issues

This is also one of the major hindrances to a healthy relationship. Keeping unresolved issues is like piling up emotional magma that would blast off one day. If you have any issue or face any disturbance in a relationship, try to resolve the issue or problematic situation as soon as possible. Otherwise, this unresolved issues will lead to a pent up stack of negative emotions, hatred, negative thoughts…. that may explode off in an unprecedented manner.

So folks! Life is too short to sleep with pain and rise up with regrets. Make your relationships healthy, as they are your greatest support and strengths. If you are related to someone in any way, try to be true to that person/relationship, try to make that relationship a pure, meaningful and eternal journey beyond the limits of space and time.

Courage means to keep working a relationship, to continue seeking solutions to difficult problems, and to stay focused during stressful periods.” – Denis Waitley

Best wishes,

Sareeta

Domestic Violence: It’s Psychological Aftermath

Domestic-violence-007

Battered and shattered, wounded and bruised, bleeding and crying…Every now and then we hear different stories related to domestic violence or literally go through it. Needless to say, domestic violence is one of the most heinous acts done on a female (or male). Do you know who the worst sufferers of this are? Its women, children and significant others related to them. I remember coming across a woman who was a community worker in our NGO. Everyday I would see a new wound, cut or bruise in her body. I asked her about that, but she never told the truth.

But, one day she came to the office and was profusely bleeding. Her husband ran after her holding a knife. I was literally shocked. That day I realized that she was a victim of domestic violence. In this her husband and her in-laws were the main culprit. She was immediately taken to the hospital for treatment, and then we took her to the Women’s Welfare Cell in order to help her and impart her due justice. She got well within a few days. Her husband and her in-laws were put behind the bars. Though she got saved and her wounds got healed. But, the scars that the torture had left had a deep impact on her memories and emotions.

The community worker got out of the trauma through intensive care, counseling and support. However, every nook and corner of the world is filled with some or the other household where a woman is put into the hearth of domestic violence. Stories, situations and crimes may be silent or go unreported…but, it certainly rips off the soul apart. The body and mind getting wounded due to domestic violence is just another aspect.

Now let us know what the underlying cause of domestic violence is. In other words, why do people resort to this hellish act.

Causes of Domestic Violence:

  • Personality problems of the perpetrator
  • Self-esteem issues, behavioral issues, mental health issues, poor environment, aggravating factors including family n peers, lack of anger or impulse control
  • Addiction, drug abuse, personality deficits, bad childhood experiences
  • Underlying biological and psychological disorder
  • Faulty coping with life’s stressors, pressures and challenges; learning domestic violence from one’s own family or relatives (model behavior)
  • Marital conflicts, unfulfilled expectations, ego clash, hatred, jealousy
  • Overall causes of domestic violence include physical factors, social factors, family environment; learning and modeling behavior; peer – group influence, addiction, psychological and personality problems, etc.

Types of Domestic Violence:

Do you know domestic violence is not just a combination of two words; it is inflicted to a person in different hurtful ways. Here are some of the forms of domestic violence that a victim has to suffer:

  • Physical abuse: Includes beating, assault, aggression, etc
  • Sexual abuse: Worst form is marital rape, genital mutilation, criminal coercion, sexual violence, sexual slavery, etc
  • Emotional and verbal abuse
  • Economic deprivation
  • Honor killings, acid throwing, bride burning, dowry violence

In other words, there are many ways in which domestic violence can manifest itself. There is no one typical and distinctive form of it. It is often thought that domestic violence only occurs in a marital relationship and that to only on women. But, this is not entirely correct. Domestic violence also occurs in a live-in relationship, dating cohabitation, on men, and in same-sex relationships. Apart from the ovbious forms of physical, mental, social and economic torture sometimes the culprit also causes pain to the victim through criminal coersion, trespassing, kidnapping, harassment and stalking.

Psychological Repercussions of Domestic Violence:

I hope by now you must have understood how dangerous and hurtful domestic violence can be. Apart from the obvious physical afflictions, it leads to serious psychological impact too. Some of the common psychological problems caused due to domestic violence are:

  • Personality problems: Lowering of sense of self, self-esteem, self-confidence and dynamism in one’s personality
  • Emotional problems, mood swings, emotional tantrums, anger outbursts
  • Typical mental health issues like irrational fear, post traumatic stress disorder, depression, anxiety and intense stress, etc
  • Self-harm and in worst cases suicide

We at www.online-therapy.com are committed to helping anyone suffering from the psychological issues due to domestic violence. If you or any of your loved one is going through this rough phase of life, then please don’t hesitate to contact us. As a victim, you should know about the law, support system available, helplines and virtually any and every way that can hep you get off the vicious clutches of domestic violence.

Dedicated to help you,
Sareeta

Creating Magical Moments with the Powerful words, “Thank you!”

thanks“In this dreary world so hazy, true hearts are only a few; they brighten lives of others in every way…with the beautiful word thank you!”

Life is so beautiful and bright when it is filled with love and affection, sharing and caring, support and motivation. These aspects tend to make our lives so colorful and worth-living. They cater to an overall sense of well-being in an individual and take him to the highest planes of a happy and healthy life both physically, mentally as well as spiritually. Since time immemorial man has been striving for true happiness and contentment. Some find the solution in living a materialistic life, while rest sees the solution in shedding their lives for others. However, life has bestowed man with some marvels that he can utilize in order to make his life a celebration and to add magical moments into the lives of his fellow beings too. Out of all the marvels the best is grateful living and the power of saying “Thank you”. It not only makes us feel good but also makes others feel so special and confident. Even the fiercest enemy becomes the best friend when we utter those magical words to him. And with the flow of these wonderful words all other aspects like love and affection, sharing and caring, support and motivation fall into the perfect picture.

From cradle to grave we are taught to be grateful in different life situations. When we are a kid and someone gives us a lollipop our mother prompts us to say “Thank you”; when we enter school and a friend shares his notes with us our teacher teaches us to say “Thank you”; when we enter into college and our professor gives us highest marks in a subject, we humbly say the words, “Thank you”; when we enter into our profession the words “Thank you” tends to follow with us like our shadow. We express these words before our colleagues, manager, and leader, etc; when we enter into a family life we again teach these words to our children too. So in a nutshell, the words “Thank you” does not seem to part ways from us. We use it in each and every phase, ebb and tide of life.

However, in this rat race of telling “Thank you” to everyone who does something for us, do we really understand the true meaning and implication behind these words? Do we use it for the person who actually deserves it? Do we even know what ripples it can create in the life of the one it is meant for? Well, dear readers it is high time when we should take a flashback ride in our lives and remember the wonders of these Divine words again. In a practical side, these words simply mean a way to express our gratitude toward someone who has done something for us. But when we look into the deeper aspects of life, the words “Thank you” really means a lot. In the Devnagri Script or according to the Hindi language we say the words as “DhanyaVad”. If we split the word Dhanyavad into two halves it becomes Dhanya+Vad. It means “I express my gratefulness towards the great deed you have done”. When such vibrant words are said to a person he would feel like he’s in the top of a mountain. His sense of self-respect, respect for the person who has said, self-confidence, motivation…everything would touch the skies. Such vast is the power of saying “thank you” or expressing deep sense of gratitude to someone.

From our childhood formative years till this juncture we have told “thank you” to everyone – our family, friends, relatives, teachers, colleagues, seniors, etc. But do we remember to say these words to some other important persons without whom our lives would have been like hell? We are surrounded by people without whose presence we would have been like a straw in the storm, knowing not where to go. The maid servant who cleans our house, the little kid who washes our car, the workers who build our homes, the municipality man who cleans our roads – locality – dust bins, the plumber who mends the broken pipes of our house, the human scavengers who clean our environment, the watchman who spends sleepless nights to keep us safe…well the list would go on and on. This is high time for us to accept these wonderful persons without whom our life would have been down in the dumps. Expressing gratitude should not be restricted to a certain category of people, instead we should say “Thank you” with open arms to this marginalized group too. They not only owe our gratitude for years and years but also deserve our respect, affection and goodwill. The real meaning of “Thank you” or Dhanyavad would reflect in totality if we learn to say it before these people.

It may sound awkward to many but these amazing words would really create magical moments in your life and in the life of these people who do every important thing for us (however small / dirty it may be) but never get to listen our appreciation or words of gratitude. Uttering these incredible and influential words would not only make us healthy, happy and contended but also make them feel special and motivated too. So let us all take a pledge today to spread our love, affection, respect and gratitude to not only the ones who are related to us but to the lesser mortals who really need us and owe our gratitude. Remember from the day we are born till the time when you are all reading these lines…we all have lost precious moments of saying “Thank you” and enkindling its magic to many people who are the unseen and unsung heroes of our lives. So let us all make a strong resolution today to spread the fragrance of our love, affection, gratitude and respect with a smile on our faces and with the amazing word “Thank you”…

With Best Wishes,

Sareeta

Caring Tips for Caregivers

caregiver

We always feel bad for the one who is suffering from any ailment. But, do you know guys; the work of a caregiver is also not that easy. Seeing a loved one suffer and decay in front of one’s own eyes can really be heart-churning and overwhelming. On a daily basis on my clinic sessions I often see loved ones or caregivers crying bitterly. They can’t see the pain of their own family members, they can’t cope with the situations, and they can’t balance between their lives and the life of the patient. There are many issues that a caregiver has that goes unnoticed. This blog post is for all of you, whether you are suffering from an illness or you are taking care of someone who is ailing. Only when we can know and understand each other we can support each other what come may. Here you will learn many aspects of a caregiver and how you can make caregiving an art rather than a gruesome task:

  1. Celebrate the bliss of caregiving and accept that you are being chosen to help a sufferer because only you can do it. Very few people in this world have healing and helping hands. So realize the significance, dignity and beauty of caregiving.
  2. Be physically and mentally well prepared for caregiving. Do not do it if you have your own unresolved issues, if you are too emotional or if you are yourself suffering from any infections or agonies.
  3. Try to maintain a balance in between your life and the life that you are taking care of. A healthy balance is the key to a healthy caregiving.
  4. If you have too many tasks to perform then stick to a proper time management or routine. Of course, each day will have its own ups and downs, but…at least with time management you will have a proper plan and direction to execute your duties.
  5. Never thrust or throw your own tiredness or restlessness on the person you are taking care of. This will make the situations and his/her conditions even worse.
  6. Even if most of the day you are occupied with caregiving, try to take some “me time”, i.e some time for yourself too.
  7. During your “me time”, try to vent our your own emotions, take some rest, talk about your emotions with anyone who understand you, join an online forum/support group or simply have a diary where you can vent/jot down anything you wanna ‘say n share’.
  8. Eat well, sleep well, exercise or brisk walk while listening to music, meditate, fill the surroundings with inspirational quotes, good pictures, photos, aroma. In short, make your inner and outer world beautiful so that you can recharge and rejuvenate yourself when you feel low and tired.
  9. Love n laugh….if you get a “caregiving burnout”, then just go and hug the person you are taking care of. Once your heart feels light, you will get refreshed and recharged again.
  10. It is never bad to take help. If you need a break, you can seek support from others too.

Remember that your presence and help means the world for the person you are taking care of. Your health and happiness is probably everything to the person who needs your help. So never fall behind in balancing your life too. If you are happy and healthy you can spread happiness everywhere around you. But, if you yourself are sad and ailing, maybe you will spread the same vibes around you.

So take every care of yourself as a caregiver; then only you can give your care and affection to your loved ones or the ones who need it. Caregiving is a Divine gift. As I said, only a chosen few can do so. Rejoice its magnificence and worth.

“Of all the lessons I’ve learned through my years of caregiving, the most important thing all of us can do is to keep the love going. Just tell them that you love them again and again. You will never say it too much, ever.” – Joan Lunden

Best Wishes,

Sareeta

Are you in Love?

being-deeply-loved-by-someone

Love…The word itself gives a “wow” feeling, doesn’t it? Interestingly, love is a word that is felt and understood by different individuals in different ways. Love manifests itself in manifold hues and forms. You can see love between a mother and her child, between a brother and sister, between peers, passionate lovers, husband and wife and so on. In short, love is felt in different ways and is expressed in different ways.

Let me tell you an interesting real life event in my life. I was attending a seminar on the importance of the heart in our lives. The doctor said, the heart is the most fascinating and romantic organ of the human body. When we asked why and what was the reason behind it, this was his reply: Since ages everyone implies to the heart when one speaks of love. To connote this he said, of course one cannot say that “Oh my love….my kidney loves you”, “My stomach is in love with you”, “Oh please don’t reject me…Please don’t break my liver”! Everyone in the seminar hall had a hearty laugh. So, when we talk about love, our heart has a significant role to play.

Do you know that love has a strong physiological and psychological connection? This is a simplified figure of how love is felt and our responses to its feeling:

Chemical_basis_of_love

During the early decades Clive Staples Lewis – who was a great poet, novelist, theologian and essayist of his times – differentiated love into four different categories:

Storge (Affection) Stroge is a feeling of love you feel with your family members, or people otherwise related to you.
Philia (Friendship) If you love your friend unconditionally, then you are experiencing Philia or Friendship love. It is also felt for people with common interests or activities.
Eros (Romance) This suggests the feeling of “being in love” or “loving” someone. Eros also signifies spiritual love, aesthetic love, passionate love, sexual love and so on.
Agape (Unconditional Love) If you love someone beyond the physical correlates of selfish desires, circumstances or any such boundations then you are experiencing Agape. Agape is to love someone unconditionally, the most sought after form of love.

So could you relate to what kind of love that you are in from the table mentioned above? With Valentine’s Day almost here, I can sense many hearts throbing fast. The reason being your purpose to find your beloved, to know whether you are actually in love or not, whether your love will be accepted or rejected, how will you surprise your partner on this special day….whoa whoa whoa…wait, wait! Now I will tell you a way to find out whether actually the cupid has struck you or are you simply in the mirage of infatuation. Check out the questionnaire I have mentioned below. Here we go:

  1. Do you simply like the person or are you literally crazy about the person?
  2. Would you want to devote your entire time and life for the person?
  3. Is the person the first person you remember in the morning and the last person you remember while you go into deep sleep?
  4. Do you often see the person in your dreams?
  5. Do you love the person so intensely that you can sacrifice everthing for him/her?
  6. Upto what extent can you change yourself for the person?
  7. Would you give up your important things or plans for him/her?
  8. Do you like his/her personality?
  9. Will you love him/her no matter what and no matter when?
  10. Life will decay, body will also decay. So would you love your partner even when he/she is sick, grows old and in any situation?

If you answered a Yes to most of the questions then I would say that “Hey, you are in love. You love the person totally, madly and badly. You can go to any lengths and heights to love this person. Your love won’t fade away in the ebb and flow of time and situations. If situation demands then you can easily make amends, changes or sacrifices for your beloved.” So don’t wait for anything…just find out a right way to express your love. This Valentine’s Day, give a new meaning and dimension to your love.

Where love is, heartbreak is also common. So don’t get bothered by it. Sooner or later one fine day the person who is made for you will surely step into your life and make it worth living.

Finally all I wanna say is…Love is beautiful, love is Divine, love is meanigful and love is life. Whether you love your parents, family or beloved, do not let any negativity enter into such a pure and pious emotion. Love has its own psychological benefits too. Some of them are:

  •     Confidence and self-esteem
  •     Feeling of security and compassion
  •     Sharing, nurturance and caring
  •     A sense of belongingness and we-feeling
  •     Adjustment and healthy coping mechanisms
  •     Strong sense of positivity, empathy and goodwill
  •     Overall physical and mental well-being

The psycho-physical-spiritual benefits of pure love are manifold. I can write uncountable points on it. I don’t want it to make it a strenous job for you to read such a long writing of mine. It’s just that true love multiplies your happiness and halves all the pains and sorrows. If you have already found your love, then love with all your dedication and honesty. If you are still in search of your beloved…then may you find your dream partner soon!

Lots of love-dust on you,

Sareeta

Discover the True Essence of Marriage

ex-love-drawing

Marriage, or a relationship, is built on the backbone of the three pivotal aspects; Mutual TrustMutual Respect and understanding and Mutual Cooperation. If any one of these gets disturbed then the entire spirit and essence of marriage gets disturbed too. These qualities need to be developed and nurtured within every individual who wants his/her marriage to be an eternal journey. Let us see how each of these aspects can be cultivated in a marital relationship:

Mutual trust

If you want to be trusted, learn to trust first. It is as simple as that. In order to build trust in your marriage, you need to be each other’s friends first. A friend with whom you can share even your wildest and weirdest experiences and thoughts without any inhibition. I have seen this rarely present in couples. The greatest mistake they do here is they become judgmental instead of being genuine towards each other. If you become judgmental then obviously your partner may not feel comfortable in sharing his/her thoughts with you. And when inhibitions peep out in marriage, this becomes the first step of breach of trust. Even if we have our own ugly sides, love, affection, understanding and trust can make us beautiful and bright. It’s a matter of giving a chance to your marital relationship before breaking it into pieces.

Tip: When your partner shares something with you, try to see it in a genuine and non-judgmental manner. If you cannot do so, then try to step in your partner’s shoes and see things and situations from his/her perspective. This will foster a better understanding and act as a buffer to nurture the greatest virtue of trust in your marital relationship.

When you feel an urge to breach trust, try to visualize how you would feel if your counterpart or life partner breaks your trust? You would not want that to happen to you, right?

Mutual Respect and understanding

The best way to achieve this is to treat your beloved spouse in the way you want to be respected and understood. All of us have our own imperfection, differences and incompetencies; “A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences” (Dave Meurer). So if you look at the positive sides and qualities rather than breaking your head on the negative qualities then mutual respect and understanding will shine automatically in your marriage.

Tip: Try to be empathetic towards your partner. Everything that he/she is doing or feeling has a reason. Once you understand the reason it becomes much easier to accept, respect and understand.

Mutual Cooperation

How many of you believe that cooking, taking care of kids, cleaning dishes, washing clothes, moping, dusting, etc are a wife’s duties? While doing outside work, paying bills, fixing leaking taps, etc are the duties of the husband? Frankly speaking if you think like this, then forget about the word mutual cooperation. No work is gender-defined guys. In fact, if my husband does some household chores for me I give him an extra hug that day. 🙂 All of us get churned in our day’s work. And we need someone to help us and support us. So bifurcating between duties and work within a couple will worsen the situations and make life boring, overwhelming and unbearable.

I came across a couple in my Clinic. The husband had a lot of complaints against his wife. He always said that “My wife is lazy, she is always at home and she is a housewife”. I asked him, “What do you do all day? As in, what is your daily routine like?” He said: “ I get up at 8-8:30 in the morning, do my routine activities, get ready for the office, have breakfast, leave for the office, come back in the evening, watch TV, have supper and go to sleep by 10 PM”. Then I asked what does your wife do? He answered: “Oh my wife is a house wife. She gets up at 5 in the morning, finishes her routine work, cleans the house, washes dishes, prepares breakfast for the family, prepares the kids for school, drops them at school and picks them up after school, in between she prepares lunch for the family, washes clothes, irons it, takes care of the kids, helps them in their studies, attends guest, then she prepares supper for all of us, completes the day’s work, makes the kids to sleep and she sleeps by midnight”….After the husband narrated all these, he himself burst into tears! There was nothing for me to do or say. He himself realized about the importance of his wife when he paid close attention to her part of the world.

Tip: Share your work and duties together. That will divide and subtract the labor and time as well as multiply your love and cooperation.

How to make your marriage an everlasting bond of love, affection and belongingness

Remembering and practicing the 3R Technique will help you add magical effect to your marriage. They are:

1)    Recognizing Recognizing and understanding each other’s feelings, thoughts, problems and issues
2)    Reformation Trying to understand one’s own fallacies, misconceptions and trying to rectify it
3)    Reconciliation Solving problems as a team and resolving issues in a non-judgmental, genuine and honest manner

Marriage is one of the strongest bonds on the Earth. A successful marriage is not only a boon for the couple itself, but each and everyone related to it. However, if a marriage becomes unsuccessful for some reason or the other, it destroys everyone related to it or coming in its way. When you feel that your marriage is falling apart, it is high time to reflect back without wasting much time. Reflect on the way you waited for the D-Day, how you felt when you exchanged marriage vows with your spouse, the good times you spent, when and where things started falling apart and how both of you can join hands to enkindle your love and add magic to your marriage yet again.

“When there is love in a marriage, there is harmony in the home; when there is harmony in the home, there is contentment in the community; when there is contentment in the community, there is prosperity in the nation; when there is prosperity in the nation, there is peace in the world.” – Chinese Proverb

Best Wishes,

Sareeta

Committing in a relationship: When to say “yes”

love

Love, infatuation, lust and crush…feelings for someone can manifest itself in manifold ways. There is no age bar in love and relationships. In fact, the cupid can strike at any time. But, falling for the right person at the right time is most important. When a relationship is started at the right time and with the right person, it adds a new meaning to your life and makes it worthwhile. However, if it moves along the track of infatuation, crush, lust and heart-break…it never materializes. It not only deteriorates your physical and mental health, but also leaves a life-long scar in your life.

Bellow are some of the ways to identify true love, commit at the right time, enjoy a fulfilling love life and build a worthwhile relationship:

  1. Never make haste in starting a relationship. Just because you need someone in your life, or your friend is having a partner does not mean that you will also rush in the same direction. The person who is truly, wholly and solely made for you will surely step into your life when the time is ripe.
  2. Often we forget all other things when we think about starting a relationship. We forget about ourselves, our family, society, studies, profession, etc. But, this is not the way. Love and relationship is important. However, equally important are other facets of your life too.
  3. Do not judge a book by its cover. As in don’t fall for someone just because of his/her stunning looks, cool personality, etc. Relationship is a deeper emotion. More than the face, it’s the heart that matters.
  4. Before searching for love, gain an insight about yourself whether you are ready to deserve it or not. Some people cannot tolerate rejection. They often blame the other person. However, they forget that there must be something in their ownselves that would be requiring fine-tuning and refinement.
  5. When you see someone and start feeling for him/her, try to visualize how your life with him/her will be after 5-6 years from now. Is it worth it after all?
  6. Compatibility, trust, ability to take responsibility and respect…are some of the key words that should be kept in mind before committing in a relationship. Do you have these qualities or can you find these qualities in your partner-to-be? These questions should be asked numerous times because it is ultimately your life.
  7. If anything does not work out, how strong are you to handle a heart-break? You should be prepared for either positive or negative answer. Do not feel bad if you are confronted with rejection. Because you deserve a better person who will understand you even better.
  8. Where teenage is considered as the gateway to infatuations and crush, adulthood is considered to be the gateway to a more matured love. So, sometimes giving yourself ample time also lands you in front of the perfect person made for you.

Love is a pure emotion with deeper implications in life. It uplifts you; it refines you and builds you as a better person. If you fall in love and find yourself getting doomed in physical attractions, unnecessary tensions, mental pressure, stress, etc…then it’s not love, somewhere and something is wrong in it.

Its said that love is blind. But, I believe that Love has an inner eye that understands you and embraces you with the deepest emotion and precision.

Best Wishes,

Sareeta